And that was Saturday

This post was intended for Facebook but apparently it's too long so...

Highlights of my day in no particular order.

1. Watching my daughter play softball.

2. Washing the car with my son.

3. Watching Haley make Rice Crispie treats with the kids.

4. Watching the Rangers beat that other team with my son.

5. Dancing with my daughter in the kitchen after dinner.

6. Reading (very theatrically) the story of Daniel and the Lions, with

the kids at bed time.

7. Emily's random statements.

8. Ben's laughter.

9. Haley's smile.

10. Realizing that my life is very good and I have a lot to live for. :)

Strength

I was walking back to my office after lunch and encountered a group of guys talking in the hallway. It's a long, open hallway and it was pretty obvious that I was approaching. One guy in particular was blocking my path and as I approached he looked up, glance at me and didn't move an inch.

Now you know those moments when you encounter behavior so clearly rude that you don't know what to say so you just go with it? This was one of those. I awkwardly squeezed past him and went on my way.

About 20 minutes later I happened to encounter Mr. Rude in the restroom. While standing next to him at the urinal, my first thought was to pee on his leg and rudely walk away without saying a word. But I didn't. I finished up slightly ahead of him, got to the sinks and saw a golden opportunity for payback. If I could remain ahead of him at the hand towels and get to the door just slighlty before he did, I could let the door swing back right in his face. Awesome.

The plan was unfolding nicely and as I gleefully approached the door with Mr. Rude a step behind, ready to teach him a big old lesson, Gill entered my head. I remembered telling my mum what I wanted to do to all those people who were telling lies about me during the pain that was 2008, And how I would make them pay. I remebered my mum saying to me, "Jonathan, we're better than that."

Now my dear mother was not stating that we as a family are better than anyone. No. I'm quite sure she was reminding me of a principle I first learned a long time ago as a child in Sunday School...

In the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says:

You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
- Matthew 5:38-42, NIV

Now for a long time this always struck me as the Idiot's Guide to Being a Doormat.

It's not.

Quite the opposite, this is true strength. A strength which says, I am so confident in who I am, who made me and where I'm going, that your words, your lies, your opinions cannot even come close to hurting or derailing me. Your blows are more like a tickle, come on give me another, it doesn't even hurt. Take my coat because "stuff" is not where I find my value, do you want my pants too? Sue me, slander me, do what you will. In other words...Bring It.

And that ladies and gentlemen is just one more lesson it's taken me a lifetime to learn.

By the way Mr. Rude lives to fight another day. I held the door open for him.

God Bless Texas

First of all let me apologize to my giant fan base for not having blessed you with my drivel for about 3 months now. Life has definitely been going through a transition, a good one that is.

I was driving down the highway to work this morning, looking at the sun coming up across the vast, flat expanse of Texas country, when it dawned on me that this place isn't all that bad.

So after close to 5 years of living here, I'm proud to list my...

Top 10 things I love about Texas (hold your applause until the end please)

10. I can go without a jacket for about 8 months of the year

9. People don't think you're weird for going to church

8. The sun shines A LOT

7. Basic manners are taught to and expected of children

6. No state tax

5. Most neighborhoods have a fantastic sense of community

4. People drive like New Yorkers

3. People possess a tremendous amount of state pride

2. The cost of living and housing is a lot less than other areas of the country

1. It's fun to see cowboys walking around the mall

I love my kids

My kids just left. The house is eerily quiet but my son left me something amazing.

Let me preface this by saying that Ben isn't really prone to much in the way of displays of emotion. He's the kind of kid that hugs you by kind of leaning against you most of the time but doesn't often fully commit to the squeeze. In fact I would say that of my two children Ben is the one who I engage in the most "robust dialogue"with by a mile, mainly because he's a lot like me.

He left me a letter on the kitchen counter. It reads...

Jan. 4th 2009

Dear Daddy,

I am so happy I want to jump off the talest skyscraper in the world. (litterley)

I'm feeling very, really, hiper. So can you build a "hiper house".

THANKS!!! FOR!!!Building my house!!! Love ya!

LOVE: Ben

I'm wrecked. I'm destroyed. What a kid.

It's almost Christmas

Most of us could compose a long list of those memorable quotes we pick up along the way throughout our journey. Things like, "It's better to give than receive" or "It's not whether you win or lose it's how you play the game". You know the kind of thing.

However from my experience there are only a few definable moments in life when these quotes make the 12 inch journey from head to heart and actually become real.

I'm having one of those moments today.

I've heard all of my life that Christmas isn't about the presents and the food and the 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS. I've heard all of my life that Christmas is about family and that's taken 36 years and a set of circumstances I don't need to explain to really hit home.

On December the 25th my calenday said Christmas day and I spent it with a wonderful family who invited me to share their Chrsitmas. But is wasn't really my Christmas Day. On December 25th I opened presents, ate some incredible food, watched A Christmas Story on TBS and then ate some more. But it wasn't really my Christmas Day. On December 25th I spoke with my kids who were in New York and heard stories of Santa and stockings and snow. But it wasn't really my Christmas Day.

Tonight I'll drive to DFW airport to pick up the entire New York component of my family, and of course my children. Tomorrow will be Christmas eve and we'll hang stockings, begin eating and try and get the kids to sleep using threats and manipulation based on a fictitious fat man in a red and white suit. Then on the December the 30th it will finally be Christmas Day and all of the people I care about most in the the world will be in one place at one time and I don't care what happens after that because that right there is magical. That right there is Christmas.

You see while Christmas is many things to many people, the one, single most important thing for me at Christmas is being with people you love whatever day you choose to do that. It's taken me 36 years and a very hard journey to get that but i think i finally have.

Merry Christmas.

Thursday again

It's flipping freezing here in the great state of Texas. Last night's low temperature in Aubrey (where I live) was 15 degrees. That's crazy! Anyway, Thursday thoughts, no particular order, off we go...

• Did I mention it's cold.

• Finally got some festive decoration outside the house. Simple tasteful white lights on the 2 large bushes. now lets see if the kids even notice.

• Very grateful to my parents that they taught me things like basic manners, tact, consideration of others. Thats all I'm saying about that.

• Looking forward to a weekend with the kids which of course begins tonight. Emily has requested that we do some baking and I shall attempt to comply. Ben has requested that the world leave him the hell alone so he can play his DS and not listen to the booooring words coming out of your mouth. Just kidding.

• Have a growing list of things I need to get in preparation for Christmas including the practical items for my houseguests. Top item on the list is pillows. Today mum added coffee maker to her list of "absolutely necessesary items I really have to get before she comes at Christmas otherwise the world will end". The list now includes 2 items. The other is a gravy boat.

• I love my mother. She's so probingly direct. Thats all I'm saying about that one too.

• Kinda sorta half thinking about getting a dog in the New Year. Probably won't because if I'd followed every whim I've had in the last month I'd be sporting a large full mustache, have legally changed my name to Clint, have an ATM sign tattooed on my forehead and several people would be dead.

• Still waiting for my sinuses to clear out and this tickly cough to go away. Something tells me in this weather I'll be waiting a while.

• And that was a Thursday. Peace.

Storms

I was just going through some files on my computer and came across a video I made in 2006 after a year of battling health problems. Speaks for itself really...

Thursday Thoughts (by category)

METEOROLOGICAL

It's flipping freezing here in Texas, currently about 34 degrees with an overnight low in the 20s. Meanwhile New York enjoyed a balmy 65 degree day today. Thats just wrong.

FINANCIAL

My heat has been running non-stop since I got home from work. Something tells me my winter electric bills will be a big old dose of reality.

MUSICAL

Downloaded a song called You'll Carry Me by Michelle Margiotta a few days ago. It really struck a chord (pun very much intended) with me. I've always found music to be a great refuge when life gets nuts. I've never actually met Michelle but she's been helping out at Church at The Movies new Mastic campus and I hear she's doing a great job.

INSPIRATIONAL

The best defense against the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations is a plan B.
That's an original. Well actually it's a paraphrase of something my therapist said to me recently but I'm claiming it as mine.

ANGELICAL

The way my sleeping children looked when I checked on them a few minutes ago. I love having them under my roof and treasure the times they're here. Oh and I know it's "angelic" but I'm working on something creative here!

SEASONAL

Talked to my dad and my sister today regarding their visit to Texas at Christmas. I won't completely re-write my Thanksgiving post but the thought of having my family around my table in my house for a holiday is almost too incredible to describe in words. There were times in the last couple of years of my life when I honestly never thought I'd be where I am today. It's amazing and I am ridiculously blessed.

POLITICAL

How can an individual who's been in a job for 1 year be criticized for having a challenging time in cleaning up a mess that took another individual 8 years to make? Give the guy a chance people.

AGRICULTURAL

I bought a hedge trimmer and sculpted the two large bushes at the front of my house. The next step is to adorn them with Christmas lights in honor of the season (white of course, I only do white lights). Simple elegance is what I'm going for. I'll let the people down the street do the gaudy, cluster of inflatables and flashy things. My kids of course LOVE their house but I'm sure they'll be equally as impressed with daddy's simple elegance. Yeah right.

DENTAL

Emily has her first loose tooth. She's experiencing emotions ranging from excitement that a mythical fairy is going to come into her room at night and leave cash under her pillow to shear terror that part of her is going to fall out possible involving pain and blood. I personally think the notion of a fairy coming into my room at night and messing with my pillows sounds much more terrifying. Ben is of course playing the role of supportive big brother as only Ben can and telling her it will "really hurt".

MARSUPIAL

A Kangaroo.

That's about all I've got. Happy Thursday.

Head Health

Tuesday's have become an interesting day. A little over a month ago I decided that my efforts to overcome the raging ocean of thoughts and emotions swirling around my head, weren't working. With that in mind I decided to seek professional help. Since Lobotomies are apparently frowned upon these days I found myself a therapist.

This is a very big step for me as I generally believe that whatever the issue is I can fix it myself. I can't. It's not working. And if God had intended for us to be entirely self sufficient we'd all be living on our own little planet in a very crowded yet very lonely universe.

So Tuesday is my therapy day.

I'd kind of expected to go in there and tell her what's been going on in my life for the past few years and for her to slap a big band-aid on it all and that would be that. It has been however a very different experience and what I've appreciated about the woman is that she doesn't just want to band-aid issues but she wants to get to the root of them and correct the behaviors, habits, hurts, hang-ups and history which can often set us up for disappointments regardless of where life goes.

So Tuesday is my therapy day.

And so the rest of Tuesday often has this weird feeling. It's like when you have 3 days of nausea and you know you're getting sick, then finally the moment comes, you feel it climbing up the back of your throat, you run for the nearest toilet and hurl. You feel better, but for a moment, pre-flush, you're left staring at this pile of mostly mystery, stomach trash, thinking, "Ew...that was inside me?" That's kind of how my post therapy Tuesdays are.

So Tuesday is my therapy day.

And a month in it's probably the best decision I've made in a while. Hurt does not just go away. It rots and festers and eventually consumes the carrier. I'm not there yet but I am determined to get it all out. Even if I have to stick my fingers down my throat.

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I like Thanksgiving. I like the idea of a holiday which apart from the massive amount of food which is consumed and apart from the day of retail gluttony which follows it, is set aside in it's purest form for being thankful.

I can't help but remember my Thanksgiving 12 months ago. I was alone in my small one bedroom apartment, I was depressed, I was scared and uncertain of where life was headed. I'd decided to spend the day doing some projects on my computer and anything else I could think of to distract myself. I remember sitting on my apartment balcony and watching happy people below get in their cars and head off to their family gatherings. I honestly just wanted the day to be over.

A year later and life couldn't be more different. I just spent a great evening with the 2 most incredible children on the planet and sit here in a beautiful home looking at the Christmas tree my kids and I decorated this evening (eager to rearrange their ornament placement!)

Tomorrow Ben will wake me up way too early as always. We'll get up and ready and I'll spent quite some time convincing Emily why we should make some modifications to her "outfit". Then we'll hit the road, pick up Haley and head to Fort Worth to spend Thanksgiving with her family.

I've come to believe that if you're having a bad day it can look totally different tomorrow. Sometimes however "tomorrow" can take a year to come!

I am ridiculously blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving.

People Are Actually Reading This?!

I had a couple of conversations with family members today and it turns out that quite a few people are actually reading this thing! (Hello New York)

It was suggested to me that I tone it down a bit or something to that effect. Well sorry. Not going to happen.

I started writing on here from time to time primarily as a means of therapy more than anything else. The last 4 years of my life have for the most part been hell and I don't use that word lightly. I went from 2 years of fighting serious illness right into the last 2 years of what has been the most heartbreaking period of my life.

I had lunch recently with a friend who described the past few years for me as "pushing a boulder up a hill" and to be quite honest I'm looking forward to getting to the top of the hill and watching the darn thing roll of into the distance on the other side!

Truth is next week I'll experience (was going to say "celebrate" but yeah right!) my 36th birthday. One of many of my mother's famous quotes is that we're promised "3 score and 10 years". That 70 for those of you who speak English. So that being said I'm halfway to my eternal rest. And I don't know a darn thing!

So if you're on here reading this, looking to be inspired, click HERE this guy does it probably better than anyone I've ever known. In the meantime if you're still here I'd welcome you to take this journey with me. I'm not perfect, I make TONS of mistakes, in almost 36 years and the single biggest lesson I've learned is that I still have a lot to learn and I have good days and bad days, both of which often find their way onto these pages.

So if you're still with me, welcome aboard. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Learn with me. And for goodness sake if you have any suggestions as to how I can do this thing called life better, let me know!

Weekend's Over

The weekend's over. The kids are gone. The house is quiet.

• Great weekend with the kids and the dog, Samson. I'm not a huge animal person but don't mind having the dog from time to time since from what I can gather his life in his main residence isn't that wonderful.

• Watched Ben play his last Fall Ball baseball game yesterday. In his last at bat of the season he effortlessly hit a monster drive to the outfield. Perhaps the biggest of his young career. It's a great feeling when your kids is the one wowing the other parents.

• Bit the bullet and checked out COC Metro Church
which meets in the school around the corner. I hate the notion of church hopping but I've recently moved to a new town and in many ways need to start living my life where I'm at now.

• Love it when my Emily says the awkward things that need to be said. I do however wish the other adult party could be a little more accepting of the new reality. Also wish the naysayers had actually asked me what the truth was rather than inventing a reality to fit their agendas. Who knows maybe they read this. You know who you are!

• Back to the funny farm tomorrow. Mondays at the office have been weird lately. In fact the office in general has been weird lately. Something is off, hopefully it re-aligns itself soon.

• My son is an incredible human being in his own complex way. Too much to write here he just is.

• I've said this a million times but if I die tomorrow I'll be perfectly content in the contribution I've given to the world in Ben and Emily Blackmore.

• Haley's been sick since Friday. Headed out to check in on her in a few.

Halloween

I spent the first half of my life growing up in a tiny village in the North East of Scotland. The kind of place where you pass gas and the entire place knows about it. The kind of place where if your dad was the village clergy you were held to a standard most kids couldn't live up to. The kind of place where pumpkins didn't grow and on October 31st we carved turnips, yes turnips. The kind of place where it was OK to do the Halloween thing.

I remember one such chilly October evening my sister and I were knocking on doors, trying to do our best to fill our bags and rot our teeth. We decided to knock on the door of an older couple who were members of the church. The door opened and we were immediately lectured about the evils of Halloween, told that their household didn't endorse devil worship and that our bags of candy would be the weights around our necks which would eventually drag us straight to hell. OK so i embellished a little but it did happen something like that. Fortunately we were wearing masks to disguise our sinful faces otherwise i'm sure it would have escalated into an epic village incident culminating in my father being driven from the pulpit.

Later in life, living in New York and having children of my own, we followed the norm there. Halloween was typically frowned on by the church and most churches offered alternatives for kids which still allowed them to get dressed up and get all hopped up on MMs.

Living in Texas we again discovered a different norm. Most of the people here, even the church people do Halloween. So for the past 4 years living in Texas, October 31st rolls around and my kids go trick or treating. I've been incredibly impressed on each of these Halloween evenings, when walking around neighborhoods with the kids, at the incredible sense of community. People are on the streets, people are interacting and last year we even encountered a couple of homes offering free hot dogs.

I like it. I don't like the gruesome macabre side of things. I think some of it is downright sick. I don't endorse devil worship. What I do endorse is kids being kids. My kids love to dress up and they love candy and I don't think for a second and of this will lead them to joining a coven or sacrificing babies in the woods later in life.

As a parent I am ultimately responsible for the upbringing of my kids and my kids alone. If you choose not to do the Halloween thing with your kids thats entirely up to you.

So on Saturday evening, an eight year Snake Eyes from the GI Joe movie, a five year old rock star, their mom and I will touring the neighborhood trying to amass enough candy to rot all of the teeth out of their mouths several times over and more importantly so much candy that they'll never notice me stealing half of it.

We had a dress rehearsal tonight. They look great.

Blissful Solitude

I miss my kids. Simple as that. It's a situation that is not ideal, a situation which never gets easier but you do get used to.

So in the interest of taking my thoughts captive and turning a negative into a positive, here are my...

Top 10 Reasons Why It's Good To Be Alone

10. I can keep the temperature in my house the way I like it.

9. Lower utility bills.

8. My schedule belongs to me (when it's not baseball season, Thursday evenings, dropping the kids at school,  parent teacher conferences, every other weekend or any of the countless hours my schedule belongs to JC Penney etc, etc, etc...)

7. Smaller grocery bills.

6. I can leave the toilet seat up (even though after years of "training" I seldom do).

5. My house never gets particularly dirty.

4. I watch what I want to watch on TV (even though I don't watch much TV and when I do it's usually stuck on ESPN).

3. Peace and quiet.

2. My washer and dryer have it pretty easy.

1. When my kids are here it makes the time that much more special.

Great Expectations

Just read an interesting quote by a guy called Elliot Larson, who said...

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations"

So true.
The fact is that for most of my adult life, most of the struggles, disappointments and anger I've experienced came about as the result of expectations which myself and others (but mostly myself) had put on me.

I have a terrible habit of planning out significant chunks of my life down to the most minute detail before they've even happened and when inevitably the reality of life plays out I get upset, uptight and downright disappointed which leads to feelings of failure, resentment and often anger.

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with planning or having goals but this is something different. There are often a number of different roads we can take to get to our goals and being fixated on only one of these roads sets us up for failure before we even embark on the journey. I'm learning that the path we take is constantly evolving, packed with surprises around each bend and that flexibility is a key part of maintaining my sanity.

So as for those expectations; what does THE man say about them in THE book?

Matthew 22:37-39

"Jesus replied:"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself"

Thats it. I take the path God leads me on. I endeavor to live a life pleasing to him along that road. I love the people he puts in my way on the journey.

Great (but simple) expectations.

Friday Favorites

It's an otherwise dreary Friday morning but i'm listening to some awesome music so here's a list of some of my other favorite things this morning.

Favorite Song- "Crawl" Kings of Leon

Favorite Color- Purple

Favorite Drink- Large Tea, skimmed milk, 4 Splenda, sounds gross but i'm becoming quite dependent on it in the mornings

Favorite Texas season- Fall

Favorite People- Ben and Emily

Favorite Quote- That Which Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

Favorite state of mind- Confused

Favorite Super Heros- Spider-Man and Wolverine (B and E dressed as them for a special day at school this morning, i offered Emily Super Girl and Bat Girl costumes, she chose Spider-Man. Love it.

Favorite place to be right now- at my desk, good music, working

Favorite Place to be when i'm not here- kind of starting to dig my back patio lately

Favorite electronic gadget- my iPod Touch

Tales From the Crapper

I've heard from a couple of sources recently that people actually read this and a great multitude are eagerly awaiting my next installment of wisdom. Little do these people know that telling someone with the last name of Blackmore that you're remotely interested in what they're saying is like telling and Anorexic that they could lose a few pounds. The mind boggles but anyway...

So I recently took the plunge and moved out of the box I was living in and purchased a house in the well known rural homestead of Aubrey Texas.

One of the main differences between most of the houses I was familiar with in New York and the houses I've lived in in Texas is found in the master bedroom. If you're lucky enough to have your own exclusive "en suite" bathroom it generally has a special room within a room reserved solely for the porcelain throne or crapper.

And if you're ever lucky enough to enter my master crapper you'll find that as you're sitting there doing what nature requires us all to do, there are 3 picture frames hanging on the wall directly in front of you. This is no accident because I know for sure that on a daily basis or sometimes twice daily, depending on my fiber intake and certain Jewish holidays, I will find myself sitting there and the wall in front of me will have my full attention.

So here's my bathroom viewing...

1- There's a copy of a poster issued by the British government during WW2 which contains the simple phrase "Keep Calm and Carry On". It was hanging in an identical spot in my former residence and in a manner which only the Brits can do, has actually helped me a great deal during the last year of my life. The sky is falling, the bombs are dropping, tally ho, bangers and mash, fish and chips, stiff upper lip and get on with life.

2- There's a framed copy of Psalm 91, given to me by my awesome Mum a few years ago when I was facing a mountain of uncertainty and concern with serious health related issues. I don't have the whole thing memorized but love the opening lines...

"He who dwells in the shelter of the most High

Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust"

3- There's another framed passage from the bible. this time from Proverbs 30. I remember sitting in church last year right in the middle of the stress of divorce, facing tremendous financial hardship and a hailstorm of lies and accusations. The guy speaking read these words and I knew it was destined to be framed in the crapper...

"Two things I ask of you O Lord

Do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me;

give me neither poverty nor riches

but give me only my daily bread."

It doesn't hurt to choose some words to live by and remind ourselves of those daily. It doesn't hurt to keep those words in a place where we'll see them often. In my case it's the crapper. Nature calls. Goodnight.

Stress Happens

Someone recently pointed out to me that over the last 3 years of my life i've checked off several of what are commonly known as the major stresses in life. It had never occurred to me.

In some ways i've just come to realize that life isn't always a bed of roses and very often the experiences we go through are just God's way of preparing us for something else or someone else around the corner.

Anyway for some reason i decided a few moments ago to look up the 10 list and they were right.

In about the last 4 years of my life i've gone through a major relocation, followed almost immediately by 2 years of serious health issues, followed by a year long divorce, followed by a large financial "adjustment", followed by another move. That makes 4 (5 if you count both moves) out of the top 10.

And what have i learned? Not quite sure!

I guess i've learned that the same incredible stubbornness thats lead me to ignore almost every conventional means of dealing with stress has also been my salvation. I'm fiercely committed to being the type of person i believe i should be and living the type of life i believe i'm meant to be living. And i'm fiercely determined that those plans and that path will not be altered by the hailstorm of (often man-made) crap which has been raining on me for a few years now. Of course thats not to say that every day of the last 48 months has been a study in overcoming life's challenges!

By the way i've also learned that the next time one of the top 10 comes my way i'm hiring a full time therapist, doing yoga, ordering a case of Xanax and living in church!

Stress happens.

Boy's Night

Tonight was a good night. No. Tonight was a great night.

It began when i went to pick up the kids from their mom and found that she was babysitting 3 little girls who are some of Emily's closest friends. That was it. She wanted to stay with them and i wasn't about to crush a little 5 year old's heart in the name of adhering to a court ordered schedule, so we had a boy's night, just the two of us.

I told Ben we could go to dinner wherever he wanted, any restaurant anywhere, it didn't matter to me. So we ate at Burger King. The draw of a cheaply made Chinese toy in a brown paper sack is a powerful thing!

We ordered ice-cream sundaes to go and headed back to my place, loud rock music blasting from the car speakers again at Ben's request.

We ordered a pay-per-view movie, Superman Returns and settled back to watched the caped one battle the forces of evil once again.

For a moment during the movie, with my son's head on my chest, there was no place i'd rather have been. It was awesome.

The movies was about 2 and half hours long. It ended and all was going well as i settled Ben into bed. Then it happened...

Out of the corner of my eye i saw a lonely little stuffed bulldog sitting on the floor, next to it a crumpled pink nightgown and a few bricks of Lego. It's been great to spend an evening with Ben and we'll have a fantastic day tomorrow but there's something missing; my tenderhearted, mischievous angel with dirty wings. I miss my little girl.

In every dark cloud that's inhabited my sky in the last year, God painted two bright shining silver linings and tonight i miss one of them very much.

Back in the saddle again

• Apparently the previous post about a very cool table is "annoying" to some cheeky git who's apparently interested in my musings so here's a new post (Dad).

• Back at work today after a week of vacation and about 8 or 9 days with my awesome children. I'd be lying if i said i didn't like the industry i work in and after what's approaching 14 years doing pretty much the same job with slight variations, I'm happy that i can truthfully say i still enjoy it. Of course i could live without the almost daily politics that come with corporate culture.

• The time spent with the kids was great. Simple as that. Challenging as anytime spent with a 5 and 7 year old can be at times but overall wonderful. Of course it only pisses me off more to think that one of the lies propagated by a small minded few was that i've somehow pursued a life apart from my children which i believe to be more "fun". Time with my kids is the most precious thing in the world to me and a lot of fun!

• Got an email from my lawyer today which immediately sent chills down my spine. Once i'd summoned the courage to actually open it i was relieved to read that she just wanted to say hello and see how i was doing. Funny.

• Favorite Local Charity continues to hint at poverty while all external signs seem to point more towards excess. Also funny.

• The clocks ticking down towards closing on my house and leaving this palatial one-bedroom penthouse which i've called home for over a year now. I shall deeply miss my downstairs neighbor who gets her panties in a wad if i do more than tiptoe around my abode. Hope the next residents are troupe of acrobats. I am devilishly looking forward to the day the movers come in a coupe of weeks and start moving furniture down the stairs. Maybe her angry little head will just explode.

• Ben and Emily start their new school tomorrow. I'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt a bit to not be there when they leave home. I have learned however during the last year to do my utmost to milk every little drop of joy and fun and love out of the times we do spend together which in many ways is much more fulfilling than the broken situation we lived in before.

• I did go with the kids to their school this evening and meet their teachers. They both seemed a little reserved and quiet but i know they're the kind of kids who will not only adapt to their new surroundings but thrive in them.

• I've completed the to-do list of things i needed to set up or buy for the new house. The best part was working with the kids to get all the bits and pieces for their new rooms. They both ended up with rock-themed bedding. My kids, like their father, love music. I've dreamed for the last year of working back to the place where i could be in a house and the kids could have their own rooms. September 10th (closing day) will be a huge milestone and i'll enter the new place knowing that this is something i've worked for, sweated for, saved for, worried about, lost sleep over, cried about and dreamed about for 12 long months. There's something to be said for avoiding the silver platter route and accomplishing something on your own. Good stuff.