And that was Monday

• Tired. Drained.

• Had another big legal pow wow today as part of this ongoing mess. Realizing that the road between what is "right" and what is necessary is a very hard one to travel.

• Talked to my son on the phone who invited me to listen on the phone while he did #2. Really. I thought it was hilarious. Hs mother thought otherwise.

• It's freezing here in Texas and raining. There's a threat of it cooling down even more and leading to an ice storm. Texas is ill prepared to say the least for winter weather and it's safest to stay off the roads completely. Too many large SUV's who think they're invincible. I'm really trying hard not to use the phrase "soccer moms" here!

• Drinking a Michelob Ultra, my beer of choice. And it's healthy. Right?

• My son had communion for the first time at church last night. He called me (and the rest of the world) to tell me and explain what it all meant. He's awesome.

• I LOVE my kids.

Weekend's Over

Just returned to a way too empty and way too quiet apartment after another fantastic weekend with my children.

We watched movies, we took walks, we played on the Wii (all hail the Wii), we read stories, we ate junk, we talked, we constructed awesome buildings out of old cardboard boxes. Yeah we rocked.

This morning we went to church the afterwards i took the kids for pizza. While sitting at the table, Ben, who's mind is always somewhere other than right here and now, somehow managed to lift the table with his foot. In doing so my large soda managed to find it's way all over the table, and i was annoyed.

Now, normally i wouldn't breathe, i wouldn't count to 10, i'd most likely go off about this is what happens when you don't pay attention (not his first time by a long shot). But at that moment when i was about to go off, time seemed to stand still. I saw a little boy staring right at me waiting to see how this one was going to play out. And it was in that moment the full weight and responsibility of being a father hit me and i saw that what i said next could mess up this amazing kid's entire day. I flashed back to my own father who i can still remember telling me in the times when i'd messed up badly that he was my dad and nothing i could do would stop him from loving me.

And suddenly it was only soda, we had plenty of napkins and after a few moments of Ben and i cleaning it up it was done.

Being a parent comes with great responsibility (and if you're going to give me crap about where my life is, get off now). Children, particularly at this age, rely oh so much on their parents to shape their own self worth. And we (me) as parents can often forget that what comes out of our mouths plays such a huge part in shaping the people they ultimately become.

By the way that was Ben's third major spill this weekend and the one i handled best. I'm still a work in progress too.

Wednesday's Whatevers

• Tired. I'm always tired. Think the last time i had a decent night's sleep was some time in 2007.

• Work was OK. Still adjusting to a new office.

• Work was OK. Being creative day after day after day is hard work sometimes.

• Found out today JCP is putting a freeze on raises for 2009. But at least i still have a job.

• Still have to remind myself when i see pictures of Barrack Obama everywhere that he's the President. Amazing.

• Passed the 10k mark on legal expenses in this long and ridiculous process. Another big meeting on Monday, i feel sick already.

• Headed out to see my kids in a few minutes. Awesome.

MLK

http://www.usconstitution.net/dream.html

Yes We Can

I came to live in the United States permanently in 1995 at the age of 21. I became a citizen of the United States in 2000. I honestly believe that there is no other country in the world quite like it and the opportunities this nation has extended to me are ones which i could never have realized any place else.

And i'm not alone. Throughout the years millions of men and women with hearts full of dreams have flooded this nation in pursuit of a promise, a hope that this is the one place where all of those hopes and dreams and aspirations could come true.

Today marks the unofficial birthday of another man who had a dream. In 1963 amidst one of the darkest chapters in our history Martin Luther King delivered his famous speech calling for an end to the senseless segregation brought about by the ignorance of racism.

Tomorrow the dream of Dr. King and the dreams of the those millions of immigrants see the dawn of a new hope.

It goes without saying that Barrack Obama faces huge obstacles and perhaps an impossible task. But whatever your opinion is about the man who's legacy remains to be written, the fact is he has inspired a nation in the throes of yet another dark chapter, to dream. And while dreams don't fix economies or end wars, it was the dreams of a few men that established this nation in the first place.

Sometimes when all else fails we need to get back to how it all began.

Church Hunter

So in an ongoing effort to correct a lot of the areas i've let my self go in, I've spent the last several weeks looking for a new church to attend.

Church has always been a huge part of my life, particularly when your Dad is the guy standing at the front. In the last few months however my church attendance hasn't been as regular as it once was.

A couple of factors contributed to this; firstly i felt in light of my situation it was probably the appropriate thing to do to stop attending the church i used to attend with my wife. Also i've really been getting to grips with where the beliefs i've had since i was a kid line up with where i find my life right now. The conclusion that i've come to is that God loves everyone...period. And while God doesn't always like what's going on in our lives (either do i!) it doesn't mean that i'm any less qualified to have a relationship with him than the next guy. Do i stop being my kids' father when they disobey me? OK point made.

So. I visited a church for a couple of Sundays called Legacy Church.

The thing that impressed me most about this place was that firstly it wasn't overly big and showy like a lot of places you'll find down here in the good old Bible Belt.

I walked in the door my first Sunday looking a little lost and was immediately greeted by Matt. Matt as it turns out is an intern at the church and that particular sunday was charged with greeting people. He was very friendly and upbeat but not too much so. Now as someone who's spent most of his life living in New York you learn to have an immediate distrust of anyone who's too friendly and suspect they're after your wallet. Matt wasn't too friendly...just right.

After a few moments of conversation Matt asked me if i had kids. I said yes although they weren't with me that Sunday. He proceeded to give me a full tour of the children's facilities and introduced me to the key children's workers then showed me back to the main worship center just in time for the service to start.

During the service i filled out a visitors card, mainly to see what would happen. The service was good. The band was good and wore jeans (an essential quality). The message was good. All good. The next day i received an email from the Pastor thanking me for visiting and the next day a hand- written note from the pastor with a $5 Starbucks gift card. Sweet. Later that week i received a phone call from the director of the children's area, explaining more about the kid's area and asking if i had any questions. Overall very impressed.

The next week i took the kids there. They loved it and Matt saw me and told me it was great to see me again. Very cool.

Today i visited another church. Another one here in Plano called Grace Community Church. Grace was a bit bigger and a lot more polished. The auditorium was grand and dimly lit so all the focus was on the band (all of whom were dressed in "corporate casual" attire...hmmmm) the light shown, the smoke machine and the three giant video screens which relayed live camera shots of the service. The auditorium was sloped, stadium style with rows of pews (another..hmmmmm). The kids area was incredible from what I saw. McDonald's style climbing structures and slides and props all over the place that looked like they came right from Chuck E. Cheese.

But with all it's slick showy splendor i felt a little lost. They had visitor cards in the back of the pew. I filled one out (to see what happens) but no one actually told me what to do with it. I put it in the collection basket as i saw others doing. Then they also made reference to a visitors "pack" i could pick up at the welcome desk. Exciting. Problems was after 10 minutes of walking around the church i couldn't find the welcome desk. Lot's of little booths promoting various church related activities but no welcome desk. I guess i could have asked someone but as a stranger in crowd of 2000, who wants to do that?

So when it comes down to it, both good churches i'm sure but based on today's experience one thing was missing. No Matt.

Technology is great. Modern communication in church is essential. A great children's program is something every parent is looking for. But if you don't connect with people first is it all worth it?

I'll be going to Legacy Church next week.

Moving...again

I joined JCPenney in the summer of 2005. I'd spent the previous 10 years working for various apparel related companies in and around New York city.

The companies I'd worked for prior to JCP were all much smaller family owned operations. I'd always preferred the smaller companies for reasons including accessibility of senior management and owners, the fact that people were more than just assets and the fact that it was much easier to impact your assigned area.

Somehow I found myself in 2005 craving the "stability" of a much larger established company.

Tomorrow I'll be moving my office for the 6th time in my 3.5 years at JCP. Six times I've had to pack up my papers, nicknacks and photos in a corporately approved moving box and hope that the contracted moving company will successfully have found my new location the next day.

Six times people in offices I've never visited have looked at a revised seating plan and somehow reached the conclusion that me sitting anywhere from 30 feet away to in a completely different part of the building, would be good for business. Six times myself and my colleagues have been reduced to dots on paper and shuffled around in a sort of weird game that will ultimately lead to selling more socks.

It is and always has been my major issue with corporate America. People aren't people, they're assets, they're tools, they're dots on paper.

Something to be said for working for those smaller guys.

The D Word

I've gone back and forth with mixed feeling as to whether or not I should address this topic.

The conclusion I've come to is that this is MY blog, this is MY life and if I'm not true to myself and real about my life then it's all pointless.

The fact is that after 9 years of marriage I'm right slap bang in the middle of a divorce.

I'm right slap in the middle of what many of the people who know me have described as a "messy" divorce. But really is there such a thing as a non -"messy" divorce? How can you take a family unit, begin to carve it up and reduce it to a stack of legal documents and a list of "stuff" that each party feels is worth fighting over? Did i really think when i walked down the aisle 9 years ago that one day our whole relationship would be reduced to pots, pans, TVs, furniture and various other crap? Not at all.

Divorce is nothing but "messy"...and expensive and the most drawn out pain you'll ever experience. It hurts when you go to bed at night and it still hurts when you get up the next morning and attempt to live a normal life and take care of your responsibilities in the middle of the mess.

People get really weird too. I've found that those you once considered to be friends can be put in one of three categories:

1. Those who were "friends" and just disappeared when it all started to unravel.

2. Those who remain in your life but are clearly uncomfortable when the topic comes up.

Here's a tip...don't ask me how I am if you don't REALLY want to know!

3. Those who are true friends, who want to be there for you, who ask you the challenging questions, who have and always will go beyond themselves for you.

Unfortunately category #3 is the least populated but I thank God for each one of those people.

Divorce in any situation is "messy" but divorce it where I find myself.

That's my life. If that makes you uncomfortable, read another blog.

Shades of Gray

As my mother would say,"Hell is listening to your children complain about gray hair". Well sorry mom but i have to.

Throughout the course of my life i've been accused of being a "Typical Blackmore Male" and spending an excessive amount of time in front of the mirror. Whether that be the case or not I guess I do spend quite a bit of time there.

Thing is that while it was once to make sure I looked good for a parade of high school sweethearts or to decide which one of the 5 shirt contenders looked best before I left the house, today it may be for very different reasons.

It's strange to begin to see the signs of age on your face and even more unsettling to see more and more of your hair turning white as the months go by.

According to the fountain of all knowledge that is wikipedia.org my hair is turning white because the stem cells at the root of my hair, called melanocytes are dying and no longer producing melanin. Bummer.

Whatever the case may be i don't like it. But as British humorist P.G. Wodehouse put it,

"There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine." Good old French.

So I guess I'm stuck with it. Seems to work out Ok for the guy in the photo. Right?

The important things

Just spent a great weekend with my kids. Friday evening in particular created one of those moments you just can't manufacture. The kids were fed, bathed and ready for bed. We lay on my bed a began talking for what was to become oven an hour. The kids asked about the day they were born and with each of them we relived to moments leading up to and including those life changing days.

Ben was born in 2001. He clearly didn't want to come out on his own terms and was eventually yanked out via C-section. Moments after his birth the doctors told us they weren't happy with how he appeared and placed him in the ICU for 3 days of observation. I remember the first time we really met. He was laying there, looking like every other newborn i'd ever seen for the most part. What made Ben unique to me were his eyes, he looked like an "old soul", calm and much more aware than someone one day old should have been. Like his mind was hard and work and he knew things that no one else did. And 7 years later he's still that way.

Emily was born in 2004. the circumstances around her birth almost exactly mimicked Ben's. Once again our first introduction was in an ICU room. However Emily's first hours were a lot different to her brother's. The nurses had warned us that Emily wasn't too happy about the I.V. and the various monitoring wires she'd been subjected to. When I saw her for the first time she was laying on her back with her tiny arms tethered to the bed to prevent any further misbehavior. She was squirming and almost growling with a wild look in her eyes that said, "You can't hold me down, I'll do whatever i want!". Needless to say almost 5 years later Emily is still the free spirit, who walks to the beat of her own drum, she was the first time we met.

I may ways my life at the moment is a far cry from where i'd expected it to be 35 years in. I'd even go so far as to say it may have reached it's lowest point. But all that aside, for an hour on Friday evening, two little pajama clad people reminded me what's really important. Them.

Good stuff.

Music to live by

I've listened to this song a bazillion times during the last 6 months or so of my life and really connected with it. Kind of speaks for itself. It's called Storm by California based band Lifehouse. It may seem a little dark on the surface but underneath it says a lot.

How long have i been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting hard to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

If i could just see you

Everything would be alright

If i'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

And i will walk on water

And you will catch me if i fall

And i will get lost in your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me here to drown

So why am i ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface

If i could just see you

Everything would be alright

If i'd see you

This darkness would turn to light

And i will walk on water

And you will catch me if i fall

And i will get lost in your eyes

And everything will be alright

And i will walk on water

And you will catch me if i fall

And i will get lost in your eyes

And everything will be alright

And i will walk on water

You will catch me if i fall

And i will get lost in your eyes

I know everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

Everything is alright

Everything is alright

Recipe for 2009

A friend at work sent me this today. Good stuff...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life.
Buy a lock if you must.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,
'My purpose is to__________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts
or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
I am thankful for________. Today I accomplished_________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Yes Wii Can

I just spent the last couple of hours playing with my son on what was by far his favorite of Santa's offerings this year- a Nintendo Wii. Now as someone who's old enough to remember being awestruck by the Atari video game systems the "rich" kids had when i was growing up, i do find the technology behind the Wii amazing. However when i do strap on my controller and challenge my son to Baseball or Tennis or Bowling i find something far more remarkable...

 I can't beat the kid!!!

No matter how hard i try or how much i attempt to mimic the way he stands or holds his controller or swings his arm, i just can't do it! What is it in the DNA of kids or my kid in particular that makes them so effortlessly good at these things?!

As a parent i feel it's my responsibility to teach my son that sometimes in life you win and sometimes you lose. But no matter how much i sweat, strain and try to laugh it off, i can't beat him!

Or am I.....gulp.....getting old?!

I remember as a kid spending hours playing Snooker (distant British relative to pool) with my Dad. I wonder what was really going on there?

2008

Tomorrow for me marks the unofficial beginning of 2008. It's the day when most of the world myself included returns to work with no remaining vacation days and about 10 pounds of new body fat. 2008 was a rotten year for reasons I have no intention of divulging just yet (2006 and 2007 were mostly crap too thanks too some weird health goings on) I would say overall that during 2008's "excrement" storm however I have learned the most. Here's the top 10 things I've learned in no specific order...

#1. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

#2. People lie (mostly because they're hurt or scared).

#3. Angels DO exist (usually in the form of people).

#4. The single most important thing in the world is people.

#5. The 2 most important people in my world are the 2 I helped create.

#6. Tomorrow is always a much different place than today.

#7. People you think you know better than anyone can still blow your socks off (in a good way).

#8. God's plans for my life cannot be hindered (I've just realized that his plans and mine may well be world's apart)

#9. I absolutely love architecture.

#10. Chips, Salsa and Beer is a great dinner.

Day One

So here it is. Blogging. What is blogging? I guess it's for people who want to launch their random thoughts out into the farthest reaches of cyberspace and expect that someone will actually give a crap about it. Either that or it's just therapy for me. Either way here goes...